Tears Soak A Calloused Heart

Chapter Four: As These Tears Soak A Calloused Heart

Joe huddled inside his jacket to protect himself from the biting cold of the night.  The walk to BK's house was long but he didn�t much care.  He knew the trance of the walk very well.  He would just start on his path and the next thing he knew he was at his destination.  When he had been drinking or was suitably stoned the effect was even more pronounced.  On nights like this one he was very glad to allow the trance to take the time away because the cold prevented him form enjoying the solace of the night.

As he walked he forgot all about the situation he was leaving behind.  The pain just ebbed away as the numbing cold seeped in.

By the time he reached BK's he was nearly frozen.  His entire body was stiff and sore and his ears had long ago lost any and all sensation.  The driveway had a smattering of cars and the revile from inside seemed hauntingly alluring.  He climbed the steps and entered.  The warmth of the house seemed strange to him and it was painful at first but he welcomed it anyway.

He unzipped his jacket and scanned the room with his eyes.  BK's parents were fairly well of so the house was large but not lavish.  The furniture of the living room had been pushed against the walls and the stereo played a song that local radio stations overplayed.  There were probably a dozen people who had arrived so far and Joe only knew a few of them in passing.  From the corner of his eye he saw BK�s lanky frame and mane of brown hair approach.  Next to him was one of the stoners that Joe thought of as his groupies.  They followed him everywhere he went and seemed willing to do anything for him.  Such was the fate of people with strong personalities and free weed.

"Hey man, you made it."  BK said as he reached Joe.

"Hey, BK."  Joe responded.

"What's up, Joe?"  The groupie said in greeting.

"Not much."  Joe mumbled.

"C'mon, man, get a drink."  BK said as he made to lead Joe away from the door.  "Enjoy the ambiance."

Joe fell into step next to him as the groupie wandered off to talk to someone near to the stereo.  BK lead the way into the kitchen and the noise from the radio dropped off.  Distantly Joe heard more people arrive.  The kitchen seemed too bright.  The overhead lights were harsh and the walls were impossibly white.  On the counter next to the sink was a massive array of alcohol.  BK walked over to it while Joe sat down on a barstool putting the central island between him and BK.  BK began poking through the mostly full liquor bottles.

"So, what are you drinking?"  He asked Joe.

"What do you got?"  Jo answered.

BK grinned widely over his shoulder.

"I knew you were gonna say that."  BK said.  "How's vodka sound?"

Joe shrugged.

"Sure."  He said noncommittally.

BK selected a small bottle from the back.

"Smirnoff."  He said.  "Same shit you brought to school that day.  I can't believe you did that, man.  Brought liquor to school and fucking drank it all day.  Did you ever get busted for that?"

"No."  Joe said shaking his head.

Joe took the bottle from BK's outstretched hand and noticed that the fifth was nearly full with the clear liquid.

"Just take the bottle."  BK said.  "You'll probably finish it."

Joe spun the top off the bottle and took a long haul from it.  He felt the warm, soothing liquid coat his insides and explode in his stomach.  He breathed heavy and waited for his head to stop its minute spinning.  He felt the familiar floating feeling set in and was nearing comfortable.  This was just what he needed to get him through the night.  With this he could comfortably approach Jenny and he could share the evening with her without worrying about anything.

"What the hell possessed you to do that, anyway?"  BK asked.

It took Joe a moment to realize what he was talking about.

"You mean the vodka at school?"  Joe asked.

BK nodded.  "Yeah."  He answered.

"I dunno."  Joe said shrugging.  "People bring weed to school all the time so I figured what's a little booze."

BK giggled and said.  "Still, takes balls man.  Seriously."

Joe took another swig from his bottle and they were both quiet for a moment.

"Oh, I wanted to tell you."  BK said suddenly.  "Pam told me that they're doing locker searches next Monday.  So if you've got anything in there you ought to get rid of it."

Joe shook his head.

"My locker's empty."  He said.

Joe's mind flashed to his near total breakdown in front of his locker earlier that day.  Jesus.  It seemed so much longer ago.

"Yeah, that's the way to do it.  Keep it on your person.  I really ought to do that too.  But, Pam's a cool chick and she always lets us know when they're gonna be searchin' for shit."  BK said giggling slightly.  "It's hard to believe that she's a fucking member of the faculty.  'Chemical Health Coordinator'.  What the hell is that anyway?  What is it she says?  Aw, shit I can't remember.  Coordinating the...  What the fuck is it?"

One of the many things Joe disliked about BK was the fact that at times he was a real dumbass.  The guy couldn't remember things from one day to the next and the vast majority of the time he thought it was hilarious.

"She coordinates the chemicals and the students take over form there."  Joe said for him.

"Yeah, that's it!"  BK said laughing hysterically.

Another one of BK's groupies walked into the kitchen just then.  He stopped and did a weird, little dance to the music.  Finally he looked up, laughed and walked over toward them.

"Hey, what's up bro?"  The groupie said to BK.  "So I guess the party's in here, huh?"

The groupie's speech was slow and his eyes were squinted.  Joe recognized the symptoms well.  He had already partaken of his fair share of dope before arriving.  He guffawed like his statement was comic gold.  Joe did his best not to roll his eyes at the idiocy.  Instead he took a sip from his bottle.

The groupie followed his laugh with a baggie of marijuana from his pocket and a pack of rolling papers.  Quickly and deftly he pinched pot into a paper and rolled it into a joint.  He licked the glue on the paper to seal it and lit the end with a lighter.  For some reason Joe always envied people who could roll such good joints.  He never had the manual dexterity to acquire the skill.  His joints were always misshapen and often ripped.

The groupie took a long haul off the joint before handing it to Joe.  Joe took a long drag and handed the joint to BK who eagerly took it.

"So how you been, man?"  The groupie said to Joe, holding his breath.  He exhaled a large cloud of smoke before continuing in a normal voice.  "I ain't seen you around a school a whole lot lately."

Joe shrugged and exhaled his own cloud of smoke.  When it was apparent that he wasn't going to say anything the groupie started talking again.

"You know Jenny's gonna be here tonight?"  He said.

"That's what I hear."  Joe answered.

"No shit dude, really."  The groupie said like it was profound.  "Are you gonna hook up with her or not?"

Joe shrugged.  Hook up with her was a tad on the extreme side.  He would talk to her if she did show up but he wouldn't push things.  Jenny was a great girl and Joe didn't want to hurt her like he had done to so many people in the past.  He did have to admit to himself that he had a soft spot for her and he had it for a long time.  If Joe was lucky he would at least have some fun with her tonight.

"I tell you, man, she really digs you."  The groupie said.

"She does, man.  Seriously."  BK added.  "When I invited her she wasn't sure if she was gonna show.  But when I told her you were might be here she said she'd definitely make it."

Joe didn't quite believe that.  The only truth in the statement was the fact that he had asked her to come.  Perhaps he had told her that Joe would be there but probably not.  She had never really noticed him and really why should she?  He only time he had ever met a girl was when he had approached them.  And that had never turned out well in the end.

"See?  She digs you."  The groupie said.  "Besides, she is smokin'."

He and BK laughed uproariously.  Joe smiled politely like he was in on the joke.

"That's the understatement of the year."  BK said still giggling.  "That girl is something else."

"Yeah she is."  The groupie said.  "Chicks in bands are so hot."

They both laughed uproariously and Joe politely excused himself.  The idiocy in the room seemed to be sapping at his brain.  He moved around and chatted politely with a couple of people while sipping at the bottle he held.

About an hour later he had nearly given up on the idiots at the party.  Jenny hadn't arrived so he was about ready to tell BK that he was leaving.  He would have rather been at home considering his horrible mood and the pain in his arm.  The party wasn't making him feel any better like he had hoped it would.

Then he saw her across the room.

Joe saw her short angular frame moving closer.  Jenny had a sharp face with angular features and long brown hair that was braided into two French braids that hung from the back of her head to brush her shoulders.  She seemed to float with a soft grace that few people possessed.  Her soft, pale skin parted as her thin lips broke into a smile at the sight of him.  Her green eyes sparkled in the dim light.  She came to a stop before him with her jacket open, revealing her tight t-shirt and baggy pants, clinging to her hips.

"Hi, Joe."  She said.

"Hi."  Joe mumbled.

Joe felt stupid all of a sudden.  She was so gorgeous.  Try as he might, he couldn't seem to form any words.

"So, BK told me that you might be here tonight."  She said after a moment.

"Oh yeah?"  Joe said.

"Yeah.  So I figured I'd stop by.  Say hello."

"Cool."

"So since I said hello I'm gonna go now."

She turned to leave and Joe was unsure if she was joking at first.  Then he thought she must be because she was usually so polite.  Why the hell wouldn't his brain work fast enough?  He felt like a sloth all of a sudden.  His muscles all clenched up and refused to move smoothly the way he wanted them so.

"I'm joking."  She said as she turned back to him.

Joe nodded and smiled nervously.

"Man, you have got to lighten up some."

"Sorry."

"No, it's okay.  I guess I'd just like to see you smile.  Once.  Ever.  It's not that hard.  See?"

She smiled a big goofy smile.  Joe smiled.  She was so pretty and she was actually talking to him, flirting even. 

"There you go."  She said as she nudged him with her elbow.  "So how do I get to know the real Joe?"

Joe shrugged.  Maybe he had been wrong and maybe she did notice him.  Maybe she had cast an eye to him at some point in time but he had been to damn stupid to notice.  She made him feel warm inside and he liked that.  He never felt warm inside.  He was normally so cold and dead inside that this feeling seemed alien almost.

She made him comfortable because she seemed so sincere.  With so much false intentions and hidden motives in the world around him he felt secure near her.  He struggled with the decision of getting close to her or not.  He had ruined so much in the world.  That was the very reason he was going to remove himself from the world.  He had destroyed too much just by his simple existence.

He made up his mind that it would stay cordial.  He would hang out with her but he wouldn�t go any further.  He didn�t want to destroy her too.  The very last thing he wanted was to hurt her.

The next few hours passed as if a dream.  The events occurred and the night went on but the passage of time was imperceptible.  He wasn't sure how long they had done anything or how long they had discussed certain things.  His mind even had a hard time registering what they were talking about.  As the night grew later and the amount of vodka in Joe's bottle grew smaller he grew more disconnected with his surroundings.  The only thing that remained constant was Jenny and her smiling face and sweet voice.

Noticing that her drink was empty Joe did the genteel thing and got her another one.  He was still taking periodic shots off the fifth of vodka that BK had given him.  Try as he might he couldn't tell how long had actually passed.

She thanked him when he handed her the cup of foamy beer from the keg.

"So I never really noticed you before sophomore year."  She said.  "Are you from around here?"

"Yeah."  Joe answered.  "Born and raised."

She nodded taking a gulp of her drink.

"I didn't move here until I was eleven."

"Fifth grade, right?"

She looked at him amazed for a moment.

"Yeah, fifth grade.  How did you know that?"

"You rode on my bus that year."

"Wow.  Yeah.  That was when we lived with my Aunt before my folks bought the house.  Man.  I don't remember you."

"There's no reason you should."

"Oh, come on.  I bet you were just quiet like you are now."

"I was a nerd and a loser."

She reached out and slapped him on the arm.  He liked the feeling of her touch.

"Come on.  Still."

"I was just a forgettable kid."

"Stop it.  So anyway.  Are you still going out with that Carol, chick?"

Joe shook his head after another gulp of liquor.

"That wasn't ever anything."

"That's good.  That girl is out of her damn mind.  It's good to know you're still single."

The next thing Joe realized he was sitting on a couch in another room.  Jenny was with him.  He had his arm around her.  Her skin was smooth and her hair smelled of strawberries.  The music was muted where they were and Jenny was talking though her words were a little slurred.

"So Michael totally pitches a fit, right.  And for what?  Ya know?  Just because I wanted to sing one lousy song.  I was just like: 'I wrote it, asshole.  Why can't I fucking sing it?'  I tell you man singers are some cocky motherfuckers.  It's not like I don't already do backup while I play.  Man!  I tell you I would have quit right then if we didn't have a show coming up.  I still think I'm going to, just after the show.  Gary said he'd drum for me.  I just need someone else on strings, I can't play bass and guitar at the same time.  Hey, you play guitar, don't you?"

"Not really, no."  Joe answered and realized that his words were a little slurred too.  "I'm not very good."

"Oh come on, I bet you're great."

Joe shook his head and the room spun around him.

"No.  Not at all."

Jenny's sudden movement startled him.  She sat forward and handed her drank to him.

"Hang on, I've got an acoustic in my car, I'll be right back."  She said standing.

Joe watched her leave.  He took a sip of his vodka and realized that it was nearly empty.  The room continued to dance and convulse around him.  Did she really like him?  He couldn't tell.  He couldn't tell much of anything.  He could barely tell what his name was and where his feet were.  After what seemed to be a very long time Jenny returned.

In her right hand was an acoustic guitar covered in stickers.  Joe watched her walk and admired every inch of her.  He longed to caress every bit of her.  Perhaps before the night was over she would let him.

"This is my guitar."  She said as she sat cross-legged in the middle of the floor.  "I call him Marvin."

They laughed together.  With more coordination then Joe thought he had he climbed down from the couch and sat on the floor before her. Her fingers began to dance across the strings and she produced a sound that was as close to angelic as Joe had ever heard.  She played for what seemed like forever but was not long enough to suit Joe.  When she finished she passed him the guitar.

"Your turn."  He said.

Joe took Marvin and put it on his lap.

"You sure?"  He asked.

He tried to force his head clear.  He didn't want to sound like a drunken moron in front of someone as perfect as Jenny.  He knew he was drunk.  The room slowed its dreamy spin some and Joe felt at least marginally successful.

"Yeah, I�m sure."

Joe strummed a chord and stopped.  He was going to make an ass of himself.  He knew it.  His arm was sore and he wasn't sure he could move his fingers with enough coordination to play the notes well.  The great time that he had had with Jenny would be ruined in one fell swoop.

"Come on, play me something."

Joe blushed.

"I'm really not any good."  He said.

"Bullshit.  I bet you fucking rock.  Now play me something.  Consider this your audition for Suicide Sisters."  She pushed.

He looked at her with a quizzical eye.  She laughed deeply.  He liked the sound.

"It's a working title.  Play something don't just sit there.  Entertain me."

Joe shrugged again.

"Okay.  You asked for it."

He made only the barest mental command and his fingers began to play themselves across the strings.  His left wrist burned from the fluid motion of his fingers as they danced along the neck of the guitar.  He let them go for a time and just played the notes and chords as they came to him.  After a time he worked up his courage and decided to play her a song.  The music took on a familiar, somber shape and without looking up he opened his mouth and began to sing.  His voice flowed with a harmony that he didn�t think he was capable of.  He just relaxed and let the song flow out of him.

"After a lifetime of fucking things up

I wonder if there's any escape for me

Something to free me of all my pain

Something to end the harshness of reality"

He paused and composed himself as his fingers continued their dance across Marvin's surface.

"The tears fall hard from my eyes

As I realize the world has forgotten and left me behind

No one would miss me or mourn

I know it's time for me to die"

He dared not look up.  He didn't want to catch Jenny's eye and possibly ruin everything so he just gathered the next verse in his head and continued.

"I sit and reflect upon everything

I look back and from the start

I wonder where it was that I went wrong

As these tears soak a calloused heart"

He played the music a few more times and then stopped.  The last note of the song seemed to hang in the air of the room for an eternity.  Finally Joe took a deep breath and risked a glance at Jenny.

She sat before him with a look of utter amazement on her face.  Her already flushed cheeks glistened and her eyes were soft with tears.  Joe blushed and looked back down at his lap.

"Oh my god, Joe."  She said softly.  "That is the most beautiful thing that I have ever heard."

Before he even realized she was moving she was practically in his lap and her face was before his.  He lips brushed his and he met her embrace.  The sweet taste of her filled him.  He moved Marvin from his lap and placed it on the floor next to them.  The whole world swum around them leaving them alone in a milky sea of hazy warmth.  Her hands held him close and he could feel every contour of her firm body.

His hands caressed her and he became lost in her ecstasy.  His hands tugged her shirt up, revealing her lacy black bra.  She mumbled her disinterest in going that far without breaking their embrace.  Joe rolled over on top of her and persisted.  Forgetting that she had just pushed him away.  She grunted.  With one strong hand he tugged at her pants and they easily dropped to her knees.

She squirmed and said something.  Joe continued to kiss her madly as he tugged at her panties.  Distantly he heard her whimper and say something.  He undid his belt and she was crying.  She squirmed and writhed beneath him.  He held her down and joined with her.

She struggled and screamed and he pressed on.  He was lost to the world.  Disconnected.  Finally she just turned her head away and cried herself into oblivion.

***

He was running as fast as he could.

The cold air was harsh against his face and his sweaty chest.  His jacket flapped against his sides and back.

It was dark and he was running.

His breath came in deep, painful gasps.  He was on the road to his house and he was running.

What had happened?  Where was he going and where was he coming from?  Something horrible.  Something tragic.  It was his fault.

His feet tangled on something and he fell to the hard ground.  He rolled and came up on his hands and knees.  The world continued its maddening spin and his stomach lurched.

Violently he emptied the blood tinged contents of his stomach onto the broken pavement. 

***

"I put it all inside of me,

And locked it all away.

Now it's slowly coming out like poison,

A little more each day."

-Annie DeMotta, 'Cool, Cruel'


Novels Home
Chapter One: Life Is Cheap, Death Is Free
Chapter Two: On The Way Down
Chapter Three: From The Bottom Looking Up
Chapter Four: As These Tears Soak A Calloused Heart